The Habit of Comparing Yourself With Others Does Not Simply Stop

Introduction: Resolving Not to Compare, and Comparing Again by Morning

You know there is no point comparing. And still, seeing someone’s results, you measure yourself against them, and only what you lack stands out. You resolve to stop comparing, and by the next day you are comparing again. Then you reproach yourself: someone thrown by such things must have a weak will.

That self-diagnosis mistakes the cause. This article makes the following claim. You compare yourself with others not because your will is weak, but because a faculty built into the human mind is being run without rest, in an environment that supplies material for comparison continuously. Comparison is not the quirk of particular people; it is a universal human function. Which is why trying to stop it by will does not stop it. Let us look at the mechanism.

Comparison Is a Built-In Means of Self-Assessment

Why do people compare themselves with others? In 1954 the psychologist Festinger presented social comparison theory: that people continually compare themselves with others in order to assess themselves. What the theory shows is that a person’s abilities and worth are difficult to verify in themselves.

Whether you are capable, whether you have worth, cannot be measured against an absolute standard. So people use others as a reference point and locate themselves relatively. Above or below that person; how against the average. Comparison is a nearly unavoidable means of self-assessment. That you compare is therefore not a defect. A natural human faculty is running. The problem is that this means runs away with itself under a certain condition.

When Comparison Material Is Supplied Continuously, the Mind Does Not Rest

That condition is an environment in which material for comparison is supplied to you without pause. Comparison activates only once there is someone visible to compare with. Where material is scarce, comparison happens occasionally. In an environment where others are constantly in view, it does not stop. From morning to night you go on measuring yourself against somebody. Supply the material continuously and social comparison becomes a machine that runs without rest.

And comparison running continuously sustains, structurally, the sense that I am still not enough. In a state of dependency people direct their eyes toward someone above them. Look up, and what you lack stands out. And above, there is always someone. However far you climb, while a further height remains visible, not enough yet does not end. The unmet feeling becomes not a passing mood but a condition supplied structurally, without interruption. This is why the pain of comparing has become so chronic.

Why the Resolve “I Will Stop Comparing” Does Not Work

From here it becomes visible why the resolve does not work. To stop comparing you must first keep in mind what it is you are not comparing with. The thought I will not compare myself with that person is itself an act that summons them to the front of your mind. The harder you press it down, the more firmly the object stays. Told do not think of a white bear, you think of nothing else — the same paradox operates here.

Suppression by will also leaves untouched the environment that prompts the comparison. Remain in a place where material is supplied continuously, and however you restrain the comparing mind, comparison rises again for as long as the supply continues. Will can temporarily redirect attention; it cannot move the structure that activates the comparison. Which is why the effort to stop comparing so often spins uselessly.

▸ The whole picture of this structure — nothing satisfies unless I am recognised — is set out in what the need for approval actually is.

Comparison Is Self-Assessment With Its Authority Handed to Others

Social comparison hurts because it is the opposite pole from autonomy. Self-determination theory, from the psychologists Deci and Ryan, names autonomy among the psychological needs by which people live vividly — the felt sense of choosing your own action by your own will and owning it as yours. Driven by comparison, a person measures themselves not by their own standard but by the external standard of others.

That is the exact inverse of autonomy. What satisfies you is decided not by you but by your position relative to somebody else. Self-assessment surrendered to comparison leaves the authority to determine it with others, and goes on being thrown about by an external reference point. If so, the exit is not to suppress comparison by will. It is to reclaim the authority over self-assessment — from your position relative to others, to a standard inside you: how you have grown against yesterday’s version of yourself. This route, switching from an external ruler to your own, connects to self-efficacy and the craft of self-talk.

Conclusion: Comparing Is a Function of the Environment

You compare yourself with others not because your will is weak. Comparing with others for self-assessment is a universal human faculty, and it was being run chronically in an environment that supplies comparison material without pause. Not enough yet was not your mood; it was being supplied structurally. Which is why you could not stop by deciding to.

There is no need to reproach yourself for comparing. What deserves reproach is not your disposition but the machinery that keeps activating the comparison. Reclaim the authority over self-assessment from your position relative to others, and return it to a standard inside you. There lies an exit that does not rely on force of will. Receive the overall design as your next step.

References

Academic papers and theory

• Festinger, L. “A Theory of Social Comparison Processes” (1954) Human Relations, 7(2)
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior (1985) Plenum Press